Amy Schumer, the reigning Queen of sketch comedy, appeared on the nation’s oldest sketch comedy show last night, and hit it out of the park in her opening monologue. (Photo: NBC)[/caption]
Amy Schumer turns GQ magazine’s “Men of the Year” issue into an open invitation for Bradley Cooper to visit her through her back door and fantasizes about tossing back rare Scotch with President Obama at a jazz club in New Orleans.
The ribald comedian was one of the highlights of the issue, which obviously focuses on men.
The issue features Obama and New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady on dual covers. Amy had a few words for Tom and his supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen as well.
Brady would give Gisele the slip to hook up with Amy, according to her fantasy.
“Yes, she is beautiful and the mother of my children, but you are smart and funny and I’ve been waiting to have sex with someone with a real body, a real ass, who has lots of bad angles depending on the lighting, and I want to be with you and not that supermodel who does yoga on the beach a lot,” he would say.
When it comes to Cooper, however, Amy summed up their relationship in a word: “Anal.”
Amy apparently spends a lot of time fantasizing. She also has dreams about Steph Curry, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones, Tracy Morgan and Will Smith.
Fortunately not all of them are x-rated.
She wants to “spoon” with Steph, kill zombies with Will, make out with Keith at a party, but “just for a second” and “laugh until I can’t breathe” with Tracy.
Here’s how she sees her Barack fantasy playing out:
“Barack Obama and I are at a restaurant in New Orleans. I am eating alone when the waiter says, ‘Barack sent you this.’ And it’s a glass of Lagavulin 16 year. My favorite scotch. I acknowledge with a nod and finish my meal. Like I’m the coolest bitch ever,” fantasizes Schumer. “We walk out without talking, and go to Preservation Hall and watch a bunch of different amazing jazz musicians. We smoke cigars and drink scotch and never say a word to each other.”
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