Donald Trump may not make it all the way to the White House, but he might just make it big on the Great White Way. Trump the Musical is in the works, featuring notable scores on all his talking points, from the “woman card” and “Immigrants” to “Muslims” and “Mexicans.”
Broadway will pretty much take any idea, no matter how ridiculous, and turn it a musical. You may recall, Rocky, Carrie, Big Fish and others.
So, would it really be that surprising if the big shots on the Great White Way embraced an autobiographical musical based on the life and (hopefully short-lived) political career of the presumptive Presidential nominee.?
In a few short months, Donald Trump has given us more classic quotes and material than Jerome Robbins could dream up in five lifetimes.
Think Robert Penn Warren’s “All the Kings Men.”
Trump is equally, if not more, colorful than the dramatic political rise of Penn’s Willie Stark. He’s George Washington Plunkitt and Jay Gould rolled into one. And he’s as fresh as today’s headlines!
Move over Lion King! Trump the Musical is coming to town.
In keeping with the laziness of today’s composers–just consider Rock of Ages, Disaster, American Psycho–the songs will be based on a dozen or so well-loved, already established, Broadway classics combined with the most outlandish Trumpisms.
Here’s a preview of how the Playbill might look:
Trump: The Musical! He’s Making America Great Again! (For himself)
Starring George Clooney as The Donald, Sarah Palin, Megyn Kelly, Chris Christie as “The Gimp,” and an all-star cast of fakes, losers and right wing dead enders.
Act 1: The Opening: “Hyperbolical Acts” (Sung to the theme from Cats, Trump and company give the audience a taste of what to expect for their $1000 seats)
“Hypocritical facts, hyperbolical acts,
a complete lack of tact, I’m great in the sack,
she’s got a nice rack, gonna give you the axe;
i love tacos and blacks; damn those political hacks.
“Tomorrow” (Taken from Annie, The Donald dreams of a world in which there are no Mexicans)
The Wall will go up, tomorrow.
Bet a billion dollars that tomorrow, they’ll be gone.
Just thinking about tomorrow, without Mexicans, drugs or crime, sounds like fun.
If tomorrow would only come.
“Getting To Snow You” (From The King and I, Trump tells the people exactly how he plans to screw them, and they still don’t care.)
Getting to snow you, getting you to think I care about you.
Getting to hose you, pretending to mean what I say.
Tax breaks for the rich; ain’t that a bitch!”
Repeal the minimum wage; so what if you work like a slave,
I’ll grow rich….!
“Oh, What an Ignorant Moron” (Taken from Oklahoma, Trump turns his focus on the LGBT community.)
Oh, What an Ignorant Moron.
Oh, what a disgraceful gay.
I’m gonna outlaw your marriage,
Then force you to be neutered and spayed.
“Cabernet” (Sung to Cabaret, Trump attempts to win the support of the One Percenters)
What good is sitting alone on your yacht?
(Life is a Cabernet)
I’m not a real Republican, but give me a shot.
(Life is a Cabernet)
Your tax breaks will double, while our infrastructure rots.
Life is a Cabernet, old chum.
Let’s drink a Cabernet. (But not from ’83; the year the USFL tried to ruin me)
Act II: The Donald gets caught up in his own public relations and starts believing he really is huuuge!
“Defying Sanity” (From Wicked, The Donald takes flight on his personalized 747 and proceeds to drop 10 tons of carbon per mile over low-income housing projects)
It’s time I tried defying sanity.
I’ve never lied about my vanity
I think I like defying sanity.
And nobody, not even God, no Democrat or left-wing blog
Is ever gonna bring me down.
“Hair” (Taken from Hair, this is Trump’s musical ‘In-Your-Face’ response to Megyn Kelly’s question about his coif on live television)
It flies off when I sneeze, or gets caught in a breeze,
folks just stare at my hair and say “Geez!”
Just gimmie some of my hair, long, orange hair,
Sprayed, trimmed, primped and combed to cover everywhere.
Don’t ask me why, I’m just a hair guy.
David Fagin is a New York writer, producer and musician. His resume boasts an incredibly diverse range of contributions, from top news sites such as Salon, TheImproper, AOL News, Yahoo and The Huffington Post to a wide-range of humorous entities such as The Onion, The Muppets, Comedy Central, Dennis Miller, and Howard Stern. He is fascinated by technology and social media and the seemingly love/hate relationship we have with the changing world. He is also a food snob.
“What I Did For Hate” (From A Chorus Line, the show-stopper that sees our hero down in the polls, but not down on himself or his beliefs)
Kiss the Jews goodbye. Torture all the Muslims.
Throw in Megyn Kelly, too.
But, I won’t regret what I did for hate. What I did for hate.
Gone. All the Muslims, gone. Thanks to President Don.
We don’t want you as a member in my club..
“Guys and Hot Pieces of Ass” (From Guys and Dolls, the biggest dance number of the night features The Donald and company blaming women for pretty much everything)
When you see a guy telling all kinds of lies
You can bet he’s chasing hot pieces of ass.
I should know, I’ve had three wives.
Just check their racks and it’s a fact.
I know how to handle hot pieces of ass…”
Act III: The Donald does the impossible and wins the White House. He gives a big F-U to Republicans and Democrats and announces a New World Order led by the Trumpist Party.
“If I Were a Rich, Misogynistic, Egomaniacal Man” (From Fiddler on the Roof, before laying off 1,000 Trump Tower workers, Trump serenades himself in his bathroom mirror.)
“Since I am a rich man. Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy don’t you envy me?
All day long I can bully bully bums, since I am a wealthy man.
My employees have to work hard. Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy don’t you like your job?
All day long I can talk about myself. Since I am a wealthy snob.”
“The Mandate of the Right” (Sung to Phantom’s “Music of the Night.” At his post-election party, Trump rubs it in to all the losers)
Voting, voting, means absolutely nothing.
Money and gloating, that’s the way you win. (Thank you, Citizen’s United)
Say hello to five more wars, Then get ready for markets to soar.
No Green Card? Kiss off!
Everyone else, swear a loyalty oath.
And succumb to the Mandate of the Right.
“Anything Goes” (From Anything Goes, after winning the 2016 Presidential election in a landslide, The Donald tells America what to expect for the next four years)
My policies may be shocking,
my points of view may keep flip-flopping
so, heaven knows, anything goes.
War with Iran? Wouldn’t that be grand?
If they’ve got oil, count us in.
Heaven knows, anything goes.
“Greece is the Word” (From Grease, in the heart-stopping finale, Trump finally makes good on his promise to ship every Syrian refugee back to where he thinks they came from, Greece.)
“We take those refugees and send ’em there
Get ’em out of our hair, Time to pull their fair share.
They’re Middle-Eastern so they’re probably no good.
made up of punks and thieves,
got enough of those in the ‘hood.
Greece is the word.
The real Donald, of course, will come out at the end to take the final curtain call. If there’s a spotlight he’ll be in it. That will be the cue for audience members to throw money.
PS: We’re now seeking investors.