Charlie Sheen talked at the Emmys about returning to “Two and a Half Men” in a guest spot. Not a chance. Show co-creator Chuck Lorre saw to that by gruesomely killing off his character in a season premiere that just wasn’t funny.
You could hear Lorre’s ax grinding almost as clearly as you could imagine the bones of Sheen’s character Charlie Harper cracking as he’s slammed by a speeding subway train.
At the Emmy’s, Kutcher had the worst shit-eating look on his face when he was photographed with Sheen backstage.
No wonder. Knowing this episode was about to air must have made him feel like a jerk.
The new season premiered on CBS last night and opened with the funeral scene, and it wasn’t even original. It was knock off of the final episodes of “Seinfeld.”
Jerry and the gang were haunted by all their past acquaintances at a trial. For Harper, all of his past girlfriends filled the seats at his funeral.
Of course, none were sorry to see him go.
Apparently Harper died a cheater. He confesses to infidelity to his new wife before he is killed.
“I forgave him because I loved him unconditionally, so you can imagine my horror when the very next day he slipped on the metro platform and fell in front of an oncoming train,” Rose, played by Melanie Lynskey, says.
“I just want you to know that Charlie didn’t suffer,” she added.
“His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.”
But the humiliation doesn’t end there.
The scene cuts to Alan, Charlie’s brother, trying to decide how to dispose of the ashes.
“What do we do with you? I know what you said you wanted but I don’t think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes,” he said.
“So I thought we could scatter you on the beach. Where oiled up women can sit on you. Just like in life.”
Instead the ashes end up all over the rug, after Alan is startled by Kutcher’s character Walden Schmidt, who is outside soaking wet looking in through a sliding glass door.
So opens the show’s new premise. Schmidt is a billionaire whose wife has dumped him, like that would ever happen in real life.
Schmidt tries to commit suicide by drowning himself. After all, what does he have to live for except a few billion dollars or so?
That’s like George Clooney trying to commit suicide every time he breaks up with someone, which is often and never.
The two men go out for drinks and pick up a couple of women. Of course, Walden gets both and the show’s premise comes full circle.
All that’s left is to establish Walden as a lout. He does that by mindlessly walking through the house naked.
After his “Torpedo of Truth” daftness, you could say Sheen had it coming in an Empire-Strikes-Back sort of way.
Lorre even tried to keep him off the Emmys. Sorry Chuck not even you have that much clout.
But if the show is going to be nothing but a Chuck Lorre wet dream, then Charlie had one thing right, it will suck.
And to think, they used to call CBS the “Tiffany” network.